As it gets closer to my late father's birthday (3rd May), I can't help but think of the legacy he left behind. Looking at my immediate family, I am the last person born with the Lovell name that still has it. My sister got married and changed her name, and my Dad had two sisters. But I feel Dad left more than just a name. I feel, time and time again in my life, that I let both my parents down. Even at his funeral, my sister spoke, but I didn't despite being the oldest. So I do feel a burden to keep his memory alive somehow.
All my parents wanted for me was to be happy. For most of my life though, I've been more than just unhappy - I've been depressed. Sure, it was beyond my control in some aspects, which I found out when I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. I felt I was a disappointment. With everything that has happen since Dad passed away, my Mum and I needed each other, and I realised how much I meant to her, and how much I still needed her.
When I started this blog, I didn't expect it to amount to much - maybe the occassional post when I remember. But now, I keep thinking about it, while I'm at work. And I feel excited and inspired by it - something that I haven't felt in a long time.
So my plan is to grow this blog as much as I can. But also, to have the courage to do other things that I love. For as long as I could remember, I wanted to be a singer. As a child I used to sing and dance on the stairs outside the kindygarden classroom. I was in the choir all my years at primary school. When I got to high school though, I stopped publically singing. Our school had no choir or dance group and when it did, I didn't join. I started to care what people thought of me, instead of what makes me happy and feel good. Even now, at 39, sharing this is difficult. I have never told anyone about my dream of being a singer.
Now, what people think doesn't seem to be as important anymore. Life is too short, and too precious for that. I don't know much, but I do know that my Dad would want my life to be a happy one, whether he is here to see it or not. So I'm putting this out there, and I want to learn to write my own songs, and put an album together. I don't want fame - music just makes me happy, and I would love to have a career in it.